My Totally Fucking Awesome Resume

Hey, future employer!

Here's why you should hire me: I can speak perfect English, read almost anything, and I can write in full sentences using the serial comma. I may be the only existing genius who is not a complete scatter brain. That’s right: 100% focused, 100% of the time- no Ritalin (except on weekends).

In Boston, I have been known for “living the dream” both figuratively and literally since I am also the
creator of Inception. I’m the biggest fucking thing to hit this city since the Tampa Bay Rays gave us the
smack down. Last week, I saved two puppies from a burning Subway restaurant while still eating my $5
Foot Long and reading aloud to the blind. No joke. Pick up a goddamn Globe sometime.

What’s my totally amazing bucket list? Glad you asked:
1. Fist fight a motherfucking Peruvian condor while wearing a beard of bees;
2. Eat Cheerios out of Don Knotts skull;
3. Do it all in Washington, DC so that Antonin Scalia can’t say he did it first.

I want to complete this bucket list so badly that if you help me, by giving me a job in the DC area, I will
tattoo your name on my sister’s ass while she’s passed out from a night of drinking at my behooving.
FYI, my ass stays pristine, mofo- like two milky white hams that I forgot to refrigerate because I was too
busy saving the fucking planet from the Chinese.

Resume? Fuck yeah! Pimped out and ready to go. References? Hell, I’ve got those too; but they’re
going fast since I blow their minds each and every fucking day!

Thinking to yourself, “How’s this amazing candidate for changing the way I view the world gonna get
their ass to DC in time to start the totally rad position available at my fucking awesome company?”
Teleportation, bitch! Give me 30 fucking seconds and I’ll be in your face, rocking your world, all the
goddamned time! I’m like a jackrabbit, if a jackrabbit could dematerialize at one point and rematerialize
its precise atomic configuration at another set location.

Did I blow your mind, again? Dude, that’s just Star Trek. And I’ll be the Spock to your Kirk if you’ll
only let me, Captain. See how natural that sounds? I’ll call you Captain every fucking day, if you want;
because I don’t mind being a slave to an AMAZING boss, like you! Humbleness is just another one of
my awesome traits.

Other awesome things I totally rock at:
1. Remembering tons of shit at any time
2. Correcting idiots who don’t know a goddamned thing while looking ADORABLE
3. Working like a dog all day and then getting drunk with you- ‘cause I know you work harder than
everybody else combined and you deserve a fucking drink!

So send me an email. I know you want you. Because I can read minds, too.