Dear Blog Idol

Dear Blog Idol,

Please give me the strength to write another blog article this week. Please make the article funny and/or interesting enough so that the few who read it may stay on my webpage for 5 minutes or longer, consequently increasing the size of the orange slice on my Statcounter.com “Visit Length” pie-graph.

And please, Blog Idol, if you have the time, grant me my one true wish: that I should become the richest and most seemingly intellectual of all the bloggers in all the blog community! But, if you can’t give me the manic fame and fortune so many other successful bloggers enjoy, could you at least send a few new readers my way? Or even one very devoted fan. At this point, I’m not picky.

Oh! Blog Idol, think me not desperate, when really I am just really lazy. Or maybe tired. Either way, I now appeal to you to make my dreams come true for me without much effort on my behalf.

For these favors, I will continue to pay my monthly dues of $19.95. Thank you, Blog Idol. Thank you for freeing me of any personal responsibility whatsoever.

-Samantha

Because Demographers Got It Wrong:

Here’s a list that I made that you can count on…with your money- all of it (it's just that good)

Born 1945-1955 (were teenagers in the 60’s): “The Baby Boomers” or “Revolutionaries”
Born 1955-1965 (were teenagers in the 70’s): “Generation Depravity”, “Generation 54”, or “Blind Children of Sister Sledge”
Born 1965-1975 (were teenagers in the 80’s): “Gen X” Thank you, John Hughes (thanks, Duckie)

Now Here’s Where You Need to Pay Attention:

Born 1975-1985 (were teenagers in the 90’s): “Generation Y” or “Net Genners”
Born 1985-1995 (are teenagers currently, in the aughts): “iGeneration”
Born 1995-2005 (will grow up, eventually, or so I’m told): “Gen: Still To Be Named” coming soon

That’ll teach licensed demographers to lump me into the same generation as my little sister!

What I wanted to do today:

1) Go to Yoga
2) Write a paper for school
3) Return my Netflix movie
4) Do my finances
5) Email theatre managers about getting casting files
6) Pack for my upcoming move
7) Write a fantastically ingenious and brand new blog article

What I actually did today:

1) Watch the special features on my Back to the Future DVD
2) Do part of a jigsaw puzzle
3) Surf Wikipedia for missing articles I might write if I wasn’t so lethargic
4) Watch Adult Swim
5) Write this fantastically pointless and semi-depressing blog article

Idleness: 1, Responsibility: 0

(great way to start the week)

Later:
When I could have been writing my paper, I instead took an internet quiz on LiquidGeneration.com

Apparently, I'm an:

Get Your Drunk Personality at LiquidGeneration.com!

Some intellectual. I'm just going to hope that this paper writes itself. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
(I'm fucked)

Have A Great Weekend!

Getting Schooled

I think my classmates are trying to kill me.



Please don’t call on me anymore, Professor Gilman.
(can't help being smart)

Pill Appeal

I was at CVS picking up another round of birth control pills when the pharmacist winked at me.

That's right. He winked at me.

I mean, I think he did.

One eye closing signals a wink, right? And a wink usually signifies an attempt to communicate a secret or some kind of interest in someone else- am I right?

Let me check Wikipedia.

Yes, a wink most certainly implies a certain amount of suggestive interest. Wikipedia says it's so, not only in words, but with this photo:



Why then, would this young, seemingly nice, fairly attractive, probably taken, moderately successful CVS pharmacist wink at me? A girl who hasn’t showered in three days, smells questionable, and is wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a train engineer’s hat?

Perhaps the knowledge of my being on The Pill makes him think he can have anonymous sex with me on the floor of the CVS stock room, as the stock boys cheer us on and Beck’s “Loser” drones on over the PA system.

Unfortunately for him, I only do that sort of thing once- and he missed his chance a long time ago.

Dear Inuyasha

To: Tessaiga224 (Inuyasha Forum Master)
From: xxxMiroku’sLuckyHandxxx
Subject: One Fan’s Plea

Dear Inuyasha,

Though I love you, I think it is high time we had a serious talk about your future. I want to remind you that you are an Anime, and that Anime know when it’s time to quit.

Let’s look at some facts and figures, shall we? Cowboy Bebop: 26 episodes. Samurai Champloo, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Trigun, and Blue Gender: each also 26 episodes. FLCL: 7 episodes, My Dear Marie: only 3 episodes.

Now, let’s look at you, Inuyasha. At 167 episodes (and still running), who do you think you are? Lupin the 3rd?

Who in their right mind would want to be lumped in with Lupin the 3rd? Not me. And I know not you either, Inuyasha. You’d kick Lupin’s scrawny, little, elitist ass with one Iron Reaver Soul Stealer attack- and he’d be dead before you even touched the Tessaiga! Mmm...Happy imagery of a dead Lupin. (though he'll never really be dead, not as long as [AS] keeps playing his damn show on their network!!!)

Sadly, it has now come to the point where I have stopped believing. I mean, if you couldn’t recover the jewel shards, defeat Naraku, and work up the courage to win Kagome’s heart after 167 episodes and 4 movies, what’s to make me think you ever will?

Oh! Inuyasha! Toy with me no longer! If you love me as I love you, please end! Good, bad, joyful, or dismal, it matters not. But for God’s sake bring me some closure!

I remain your devoted fan,

xxxMiroku’sLuckyHandxxx

ps- please kill Lupin.

Topics of Conversation Brought Up By My Grandmother’s Friends (A simple and honest list)

1. Remembrances of times gone by
2. Why technology is confusing
3. Why technology is destroying the world
4. What is a “blog?”
5. Grandchildren (pictures included with discussion)
6. Yiddish-isms
7. Why people from the Philippines are better at everything

* All topics are of equal importance
** Topics not listed are just as important
*** I love you, Grandma

Escape Velocity

In physics, the term Escape Velocity is used to describe the speed needed by an object near a black hole, or other gravitational force, in order to escape being pulled in.

You said you had a good time. You thought I was “really nice”. I thought that was a good thing. But, you also said you would call me tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Philip! Now it’s Friday night, again, and you still haven’t called.

Well, screw you! I don’t need your bullshit man excuses. My life will move on perfectly well without your perfectly sculpted abs and perfectly tanned body…and perfect smile…

I don’t need you!

That’s right…right, right, right.

(…)

Right.

I am thoroughly convinced that my life can now continue on without worry or want for you- so don’t bother calling! I don’t ever want to hear your voice again! In fact, I’m erasing your name from my address book right now, and I would like it if you were to do the same.

Don’t ever, ever, ever call me again.

(Please call)