Movie and a Large Shotgun

My head buzzes, my left eye twitches involuntarily, and my stomach drops and swells in unruly torment.

God give me strength to finish this film!

The pause button is once again pressed and I take a short break from the new Keira Knightley film version of “Pride and Prejudice.” I sit back with tears in my eyes. Try as I may, I cannot get the horrific pictures out of my head.

I can’t do it! I can’t take it anymore. My head is bruised and my heart aching! It literally hurts my intelligence to watch this goddamn film! And they know it. That’s why… well, why it’s come to this. I curl into a ball in the corner.

You might ask who I blame. Naturally I blame the writers. As well as the director, and most to all of the actors. In fact, I blame everyone who worked on this piece of shit film, right down to the last grip! How dare you. How dare all of you. Look what you have created and how the forces of evil have used it against the innocent!

I begin to sob uncontrollably. Blood from the back of my head trickles down my neck and onto my shoulders.

I look up into the barrel my captor’s semi-automatic. Pulling me onto my feet, he takes me back into the room. I can hear the TV being turned back on and Matthew Macfadyen’s awful, constipated Mr. Darcy voice wafting over me in painful waves.

It is time for my torture to resume. How long it will last, I cannot say. Will I make it through alive? I think not. But, then again, as no one has come to rescue me, I doubt I will be missed.

Who Died And Made You Moises Kaufman?

Was it Kip Fulbeck? Oh, God! I hope it wasn't Kip Fulbeck.

You don't even know who Kip Fulbeck is.
(shameful head nod)

Go Home, Robot. Go Home.

All right, I’ll just come out and say it: I don’t trust robots. Never have; never will. They’re too shifty for me. See, I’m more inclined to believe the episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, where Data goes all ape shit on the crew, before the episodes where he saves the day. I am a firm believer that the Borg not only exist, but that they are currently on their way to assimilate Earth, right now as we speak.

This is why we, as Humans, can never be too safe. We need to safeguard our Human things- our breathing, our procreation, and our feelings. We must initiate routine and constant public robot round-ups, as well as to continue to exclude them from our country clubs and golf courses. (I’ve never played golf with a robot that didn’t cheat- and I know you haven’t either!)

Yes, of course I blindly call for the deactivation of all robots. We don’t need their kind of filthy smut in this world. The only kind of filthy smut we need is Human filthy smut; and I already have enough of that in tow. (connected closely to that point, is the reason why I will never be allowed back into the Greeley Cinemak 12 in Greeley, Colorado. But that, of course, is a story for another time…)

Am I hate monger? I like to think not. For I love many things- mainly Human things or Human related things. But I know that in the end, I am right, and you, with your radical ways, don’t have the courage to stop me.

Fuck You, Mom and Dad! This Time I’m Going to Make It- And I’ll Never Move Back Into the Basement Again!

That’s right. I’ve decided to become an Advertising Genius. It’s capitalized because I’m anticipating that that is what my title will be. Yes, I’ll be the “Advertising Genius,” just as soon as those slobs down at Foote Cone & Belding finally realize my potential (I hate those fucking slobs)!

Now, you might ask, “why enter a field in which you have no formal education, training, experience, or expertise?” Answer: Because this is America, and I can. But my brashness and egotism aside, I know exactly what I’m doing and whatever that is, I’m great at it.

I have cracked the advertising code, making me the best candidate for rocking the socks off the outwardly strict but secretly party-girl hearted advertising world. So turn the basement into that billiards room you always wanted, Pops. I’m not coming back.

What’s the code? A smart person wouldn’t reveal the secret; but I’m not smart; I’m a genius.

The secret is this: to sell a product you need one of the following three things; a computer generated animal mascot with a foreign accent, a confusing message that has nothing to do with what you are selling, or hot, young, college girls willing to battle things out on a private island for your viewing pleasure.

With one chance in three to get it right, I figure I have an 83.77% chance that my career gamble won’t leave me dejected and penniless, working in the mailroom like some sort of mailroom employee.

Ugh! Please don’t cry, Mom! Yes! Those are the actual numbers! I had a fellow genius, (Fred, who mans the cash register at the Wilson Farms where I used to work), figure them out.

You guys never believe in me! Do the math yourself! But, you’ll only find one thing: that those numbers not only check out- they pay off big time.

"Plane and Prejudice" Volume III, Part Two

This is the final installment of a series that has run for the past two weeks. Please, if you have not already, read the previous corresponding updates along with this one.

Chapter 3:
Though the possibility of humiliation and anguish from Adrian’s sudden change of intent might have been great, Caitlin’s disappointment was far less than she anticipated. After some reflection she realized that her affections were never really devoted to Mr. Sharples, as she once thought. Now they lay elsewhere.

At that very moment, Mr. Wright threw back the velour curtain and approached Caity with a gallantry that thrilled her thoroughly. Even amongst the squalor of Coach, he now seemed humble as he bent on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage. It was then Caity realized that it was Mr. Wright whom she loved all along. And with breathless exhilaration, she accepted.

Chapter 4:
The wedding service, which was held in Coach and performed quite eloquently by Freddy, was quick but charming. Now a wife, Caitlin smiled at her newly made husband and was much celebrated in his returned smile. Even the soft pounding and lusty murmurs echoing from the lavatory where Adrian held his tween, could not unsettle Caity’s disposition.

But where were the newlyweds to sit? How could they be together when they were assigned cabins apart? It was then, that a horrific shriek was heard from within the First Class cabin, and Janel ran to attend to it. A few moments later she returned with a joyful expression. An old woman had just died, and Caity was to now inherit her seat!

The old woman’s memory was always held with the highest level of regard and love by both Caitlin and Mr. Wright, who were both ever sensible of the gratitude to the person who, by dieing mid-way between New York and Los Angeles, had been the means of uniting them.

FINIS.

“Plane and Prejudice” Volume III, Part One

This is the fifth installment of a series that will run for two weeks. Please, if you have not already, read the previous corresponding updates along with this one.

Chapter 1:
“What manner of man would steal the first class seat right out from another man’s…bottom?” cried Caitlin, awaking Mr. Wright with a jolt.

“Well, certainly not I, if that is what you’re implying.”

“Then, please, tell me why a decent man, such as Mr. Sharples, would invent an entire tale around just that subject.”

“Perhaps,” Mr. Wright began with air of civility, “it’s because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. Including the esteem of a beautiful woman.” Caitlin, shocked at his forwardness, was unable to speak, and so he continued. “I would prefer it if next time you heard a story that labels my character that you would first check the facts.”

Mr. Wright continued to impart that this was his rightful seat. Mr. Sharples, who was attempting to fly standby, tried to buy Mr. Wright’s ticket from him, and when he refused on the grounds that what Mr. Shraples was attempting was illegal, immoral, and well as opposing Mr. Wright’s own personal interests, he then turned violent and vowed to one day get his revenge on Mr. Wright. Mr. Wright also disclosed that Janel and Freddy, the flight attendants, had seen it all and she could apply to them to attest to his story.

Chapter 2:
Caity left Mr. Wright and immediately went to Janel and Freddy, who both confirmed his side of the story. Returning to her seat, Caity was met with a horrific sight. Mrs. Borstein lay fast asleep, while young Lisa sat atop Adrian’s lap in the most incriminating of positions. Adrian, upon seeing Caity, smiled sheepishly and then aroused his young lover. Tween-age Lisa, in her usual manner, let out a vivacious yawn and then cried, “Lord! Adrian, can’t we ever get any privacy around this place?” Standing up, Adrian shrugged at the wide-eyed Caitlin, and then pulled the eager Tween toward the airplane lavatory.

COME BACK NEXT UPDATE FOR THE CONCLUSION OF OUR TALE.

"Plane and Prejudice" Volume II, Part Two

This is the Fourth installment of a series that will run for two weeks. Please, if you have not already, read the previous updates, three corresponding updates along with this one.

Chapter 3:
With the snack service now completed, Freddy took his seat in the rear of the plane. So it was to be, that he a once well-regarded minister would now be subjected to the lowest of all positions, a Coach-class attendant. Perhaps one day he would be able to repent for his sins (an enormous gaming debt and the accidental death of a local child), and then be able to once again return to his pulpit.

Chapter 4:
The conversation between Adrian Sharples and Caity continued to flow freely, and so enthralled was she with him, that she paid little heed to Lisa Borstein’s constant interruptions and Adrian’s regular asides directed particularly to her.

After some time had passed, Caity excused herself and left the party in search of refreshment. A flight attendant was standing near the soft, dark blue curtain of secrecy and Caity confidently approached.

As the attendant prepared her drink, Caity stole a quick glance through the curtain, her eyes finding their way to Mr. Wright. To Caity’s surprise, he was napping peacefully in his chair. In slumber, he looked almost angelic and Caity wondered if it could be the same man she unfortunately met with earlier. Caity then spied something that shocked her utterly. On his lap, Mr. Wright’s computer screen shone brightly. It’s wallpaper, incredibly enough, was the most adorable picture of a small kitten lost in a basket of begonias. “Could there be some good in this man?” thought she. It was then that Caitlin made up her mind to find out which of the contradictory portraits of Mr. Wright was correct.

END OF THE SECOND VOLUME
CONTINUED IN NEXT UPDATE…

"Plane and Prejudice" Volume II, Part One

This is the third installment of a series that will run for two weeks. Please, if you have not already, read the previous updates, “Plane and Prejudice” Volume I, Parts One and Two, along with this one.

Chapter 1:
Caitlin stormed down upon Coach-grade seat 24D, as she was assigned. “Mr. Wright was the appearance of arrogance!” thought she; “He was ill-natured, proud, and badly mannered.” No, Caity would not have any misgivings about her actions in First Class.

She now looked on kindly at her neighbors, a loud woman named Mrs. Borstein, and her excitable Tween-age daughter, Lisa, who, though not yet fifteen, was already fully out in company. Caity was so enthralled in watching the antics of her two neighbors that she paid little notice to the advances of the young man across the aisle.

Chapter 2:
“Excuse me, Miss,” exclaimed Mr. Adrian Sharples. Caity turned and found herself staring into the most beautiful brown eyes that she had ever seen; “but, did I just see you return from First Class?”

“Oh!” cried Caity. “Yes, but I don’t think that it went very well.”

“Hmm.” Adrian musingly exhaled. “You know, I should have been in First Class. I was the first in queue for an upgrade.”

Enthralled, Caity inquired as to what happened next. Mr. Sharples informed her that he had already boarded the plane and taken his seat when a flight attendant informed him that he would have to move back to his coach assigned seat, as someone else was to get the First Class spot instead of him.

“Shocking! Absolutely shocking!” cried Caity.

“Yes,” conceded Adrian. “And I’ll never forget the face the man who took my happiness from me. His features so rough but handsome, and his smile so smug as he took the seat that was entitled to me.”

“Rough but handsome,” thought Caity, as memories of Mr. Wright flooded her mind and filled her body with a sense of disgust. Caitlin then decided that there was no other man in First Class of whom Mr. Sharples could be speaking. “Mr. Wright was at fault,” concluded she.

And steadfastly was she persuaded that he could have no explanation to give, which a just sense of shame would not conceal.

CONTINUED IN NEXT UPDATE…

"Plane and Prejudice" Volume I, Part Two

This is the second installment of a series that will run for two weeks. Please read the previous update, “Plane and Prejudice” Volume I, Part One along with this one.

Chapter 4:
Robert Wright drummed his fingers impatiently across the cover of his laptop computer and stared contemplatively out of his luxurious First Class window. So engrossed was he in his own observations, that he paid no notice of when Caity first entered into the cabin.

Making her way past him, without any noticeable sign of worry, Caitlin then shut herself up within the lavatory and rejoiced in all the privacy that the airborne bathroom could afford her.

Chapter 5:
When Caity opened the lavatory door, she was surprised to be met by a strange man with rough but handsome features. It was in fact Mr. Wright who, in a proud manner, then said, “I’m sorry, but I think you must have been confused. The coach lavatory is in the rear of the plane.”

“I beg your pardon,” said Caity, with an air of indignation; “but I was instructed by Freddy that it was perfectly alright for me to come up here and use it.”

“Well,” said he, raising an arched eyebrow; “I’m not fully convinced that Freddy has the authority to give out such directions. He obviously didn’t clear it first with Janel, who is the flight attendant for us- here, in First Class.”

“And who gave you the authority, might I ask?”

“No one.” said he in manner that was more a challenge than concession.

Caitlin glowered before she continued to inform Mr. Wright that she was not be discriminated against by him nor any other First Class passenger, and that she did not wish to be categorized by her seat number any more than he probably wished to be by his sexual abilities, which she then conjectured to be quite inadequate in several ways, all of which she then, in a boisterous tenor, directly made explicit to the whole of the First Class cabin.

Mr. Wright had only regained his composition in time to see the velour curtain that separated their worlds swing closed behind Caitlin. And, for the first time in his life, he knew what it meant to feel loss.

END OF THE FIRST VOLUME
CONTINUED IN NEXT UPDATE…

"Plane and Prejudice" Volume I, Part One

This is the first installment of a serialized story. It will run for two weeks. Feel free to read it with a British accent (it makes it even more fun).

Chapter 1:
It is the truth universally acknowledged, that the main cabin snack service will always occur at the precise moment when your bladder can no longer withstand to be held.

This was the exact predicament in which Caitlin found herself. And before she knew it, she was locked in the inconvenient space between two cumbersome and unfortunate snack carts.

Chapter 2:
Mr. Frederick Collins, or Freddy, as his nametag read, pushed the unwieldy snack cart along. Even the honor of handing out pretzels made from scratch by the illustrious Paul Newman could not brighten his spirits.

However, it was Caity in her hour of need, which recalled his sense of duty and, with a patient smile, he inched his cart over and inquired into the poor girl’s state of affairs. After a brief interlude, Freddy gave his counsel, which, despite Caity’s native proclivity for bravery and her own cheerful disposition, was the cause for a certain amount of alarm.

Chapter 3:
“What to make of this kindly attendant’s advice,” thought Caity, fretfully: “should I pursue it and venture alone into the First Class cabin?”

Merely the thought of entering First Class from Coach has been known to put fear into the hearts of even the bravest of men; but Caity was a fine, strong girl, and in accordance with every belief in her bosom, decided she to ignore all fear of bigotry and intolerance and to indeed part the velour curtain that separated her world from theirs. And so she entered.

CONTINUED IN NEXT UPDATE…

Thank You Mario, But our Princess is in Another Castle!

Sometimes you need to do more with your life than lay naked and oiled up, curled in the fetal position on your bed, which is covered in saran wrap, as you cry, and listen to “Daydream Believer” pour out from your speakers over and over and over. Cheer up, Sleepy Jean. Cheer up…

Dammit. Did I do it again? Was that too personal? I sometimes go there.

But let me back it up a second: I was talking about video games, right? I wasn’t? Let’s pretend I was- it’s just easier that way.

Ever imagine that you’re living a gigantic version of Dr. Mario? - All pretty and colorful, and manageable until you get too many of those fricken’ blue/yellow capsules. And where’s a pink when you need it?

Which brings me round full circle to my original point: why do I have to pay $60 for my goddamn prescription?

The Extent of My Perseverance

I can't win at Clue, I can't win at Uno, and I can't win at Street Fighter II.

Well, I can think of someone who'd be better off dead. (it's me)

Roomba Love

Are vacuums a threat to mankind?

Maybe before you start your nay saying, you should look at the facts. Take into account the moderate success of the Roomba Vacuuming Robot. Sure, it’s wicked cool. And yeah, of all the working class robots on the current market, it is, without question, the cutest. So, might it also be possible then, that this awesomely cute little robot is just a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode out into a rampaging, bloodthirsty, human killing-machine?

Do you really want to wait around to find out?

If these little robot vacuums are really as “intelligent” as their website boasts, then it’s only a matter of time before they start communicating with one another, and then mingling at exclusive robot only social clubs. If there’s one thing that Karel Capek’s horrifying robot drama, “R.U.R.” taught me, it’s that when two robots meet they will immediately fall in love and procreate, making robot babies.

That’s right. Robot babies. Robot babies that feed upon the flesh of chubby and unsuspecting human toddlers!

A horrific picture of a grim future.

That is why, of course, they all must be destroyed. And now that you know your task, do not return until they are all dead. I will be watching.

Stop, Look, Listen

There was not much going on. Not for me, anyhow. Within five minutes of entering, I tuned out all distractions and surrendered to pull of my own mental realm. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think of was that damn song I woke up to on my iPod alarm clock.

“You’re alone all the time/ Does it ever puzzle you/ Do you ask why?”

Marvin Gaye now taunts me repeatedly on the MP3 player that is my mind. I do wonder why- why I’m alone- alone all the time. “Don’t be afraid to help yourself,” he coos to me.

Oh, the sweet soothing sound of Marvin Gaye. Like chugging sherry by the glassful to get rid of the emptiness inside- real smooth; like a pair of silk nylons or the music of Keiko Matsui…well, you know what I mean. Of course you do. How could you not?

But once again, that’s getting a little off topic. In answer to your question: yes. I have tried turning the modem off and on again- but that doesn’t seem to be helping.